Confessions of a Leagueaholic#3: “Oh what sports do I like? Well I watch e-sports quite reg … Hello? Hello? Where did he go?”
When trying to fit into a new group of people, you sort of have to assume that, depending on which people it is you are trying to fit in with, that there are some taboo topics of conversation. For example, if you were trying to date some nice new girl you had met, making jokes about rape or abortion might be ill advised. Correction; you will end up in prison, one way or another. If you were trying to fit in with some local church members, articulating your opinions on organised religion as “God is a cunt,” or “Yeah but aren’t all priests paedo’s?” isn’t exactly gonna land you a place to sleep in the afterlife. You’d better start looking online at affordable places in the rough part of hell, preferably not cockroach infested but, at this point you can’t be too picky, you did call God a cunt after all.
Well if you’re trying to fit in with anybody reasonably normal, whose early mornings aren’t spent starting at the defeat screen of legends, casually trying to remember what it is sunrise actually looks like, then you might want to avoid likening e-sports to normal sports.
The fact of the matter is millions of people watch e-sports worldwide, particularly League of Legends, but just because a lot of people do something, doesn’t mean it’s remotely acceptable, interesting or likable. Insert generic Nazi party/Hitler/Extremist Group/Daily Mail readers comment.
But, let’s face two facts. One, physical sports are, and probably always will be, far higher esteemed than e-sports. Two, a lot of people who watch e-sports look like the sort of people who are gonna end up either surrounded by bottles of their own urine, or stalking girls they can’t physically talk to, leaving a trail of green gaseous indignity in their wake. The kind of people who, if asked a question by a stranger would either reply in 16th century English, or scream so loud the shards of glass from the windows would turn everyone in a one mile vicinity into sliced bread.
Okay, so … this is an over exaggeration, BUT, this is how gamers used to be perceived and frankly, still are by a lot of people. Why, not this very second I noticed that gamers isn’t even recognized as a word. Talk about the need for affirmative action.
So given that gamers are still often perceived in this way, and it is undeniable that no-one, except for the gamers themselves, take e-sports even remotely seriously, I don’t think claiming you are an avid fan is going to impress any normal functioning member of society anytime soon. It’s a shame really because, when trying to get to know people, particularly other men, the question of sport often arises. I usually have to change the topic of conversation, as quickly as if your parents walked in when you were trying to catch that cheeky glimpse of babe station on free view before bedtime. So far I have been fairly successful, or at the very worst I have had to reduce my input to “nah, don’t really watch sports sorry.” And people will say that’s fine, but then later on it comes back to haunt you. Like that drunken curry from a restaurant of questionable reputation or that girl with confidence issues you were sure was comfortable just being friends, it comes back to haunt you. Hours spent in the pub sipping quietly on your frothy pint will everybody stares and whoops at the screen because a goal was scored.
“Did you see that goal? Incredible [footballer name] is absolutely smashing it.”
“Yeah [footballer name] he is … he is something else.”
Or …
“What is he thinking, what a total waste of space.”
“Yeah … what a dick … do some better kicks next time, amiright?”
The best you’ll get is a sort of weak look of recognition, or a faint murmur in return, but you’ll never feel part of it unless you fully engage yourself in it. So, I guess it’s time to just leave the pub early, crack open that youtube page, look for some recent League of Legends tournaments footage, and the only voices you hear are the muffled sobs of your parents downstairs wondering where it all went wrong.
Maybe one day e-sports will be seen the same way. Huge, battleship like men smashing his coconut head against the forehead of an equally gargantuan man, in a drunken rage, furious at some Korean player missing a headshot in a close game of Counter Strike Source v.5,094. Or hordes of physically fit 20 somethings gathering in celebration at a European team finally claiming the world series in League of Legends.
“We did it, we finally did it. LEAGUE IS COMING HOME, IT’S COMING HOME, IT’S COMING ….”
When it does, I’ll be dead and gone, six feet under, with nothing but a crudely animated clip art painting of a keyboard and mouse sellotaped to a decaying wooden inscription that reads,
“Here lies Eifion “MayoMonster” Jones, who dedicated his life to a game he, frankly, wasn’t even that good at. He sacrificed his social life for it, and we at Riot games want to thank him for his time spent, but more importantly for the hundreds of pounds he willingly spent on a game that caused him nothing but misery.”
G, fucking, G.
EifionJones 
a good laugh mate